When I asked for a pale pink leotard at age five, it was a slight letdown for my mother. She had always encouraged me to wear whatever colors I wanted and discussed unrealistic body image expectations with me before I played with Barbie dolls. For me, however ballet wasn’t about wearing pink or feeling pretty, it was about self-expression and strength. For nearly twelve years of my life, I spent most afternoons in the ballet studio, striving to replace the image of a dainty, pink ballerina with a fierce, passionate one.
In a room covered in mirrors, it was hard not to think about how the reflection staring back at me appeared. The world of professional ballet is one of the only places in which the Barbie body image extremes are practically expected. As a result, most people think that ballet dancers have low self-esteem or struggle with their body-image. In my experience, however, ballet gave me more self-confidence, not less. While I was constantly thinking about my body while standing at the barre, I was thinking about whether my hips were properly aligned and what muscles I should be using to maintain my arm position, not the size of my thighs. Ballet gave me a much richer sense of how my body works as a unit and made me appreciate all of the things my body does for me every day. Without ballet, I would never have learned how to take care of my body in the ways it needs so that it can support me.
When I graduated from high school a couple of years ago, I quit ballet. I had gotten injured and had a tense relationship with my director, and was no longer getting the same feeling of joy that had always drawn me to dance. People often ask me if I miss it, and I never quite know how to respond. Every now and then, I’ll take a modern dance class and feel exhilarated by the rhythm of the music reverberating through my body, or I’ll go see a dance performance and think “that could be me!”.
While I am sometimes struck with pangs of regret that dance is no longer a part of my daily life, I know its effects are lifelong. Ballet will always be a part of my life because it allows me to combine womanhood with strength, an equilibrium that is still, despite many gains in the feminist fight, are not always encouraged.
