I know what “beautiful” is. Or rather, I know what society’s perception of beauty is. Thin. Fit. Bright eyes. Perfect smile. Unattainable. I’ve been bombarded with these idealistic standards for my entire life and its effects have permeated every aspect of it. Like many young women and girls, I have continuously struggled with viewing myself as beautiful. I could easily have told you every little thing that I wanted to change about myself or even about the steps I took to “be perfect” while I struggled with an eating disorder. That is not me anymore.
I’m slowly learning that worrying about whether or not I fit an outside standard of beauty is useless because every single girl that I meet views beauty differently. To paraphrase an old adage, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and the beholder that matters most is you. While I wish that I had had this realization before turning twenty-one, it is a necessary realization that has allowed me to finally start accepting myself.
It finally came while studying abroad in Kenya, interning at the Talia Agler Girls’ Shelter, a haven for girls who were victims of human trafficking as well as other human rights violations. While at the shelter the girls would continuously tell me how beautiful they thought I was. They told me that my body, curvy by American standards, was incredibly beautiful and that it was their perception of the Kenyan ideal. The curves on my body that I wanted to eliminate so desperately when I struggled with my eating disorder was something that they viewed so positively. In fact, the girls that I worked with had never learned to hate their bodies like I had. Whenever the girls and I took photos together, an activity that they adored, they would look at themselves and say, “I’m so smart” – slang they used to mean beautiful. With no one telling them they were unattractive or undesirable, the girls learned to love the bodies that they were given with little effort. In those moments I learned that I’ve worried about fitting someone else’s idea of beauty my entire life. But this goal is useless. No one views beauty the same way so why should I focus on obtaining a standard of beauty in the way that people have told me I should?
While I wish that I could say I went from disliking my body to loving it overnight, that would be a lie. I still have off days where I look in the mirror and don’t like what I see, but now I also try to appreciate everything that I do like about myself. I love my eyes, my curly brown hair and even the curves on my hips. This is the body that I have, so rather than spending my days hating it, I am going to spend time trying to appreciate what I have been given to work with. I’m never going to please everyone with my appearance, but I can focus on making myself happy and that is all that really matters in the end.
I think this discovery has been life changing for me and I truly hope that other girls–whether in the US, Kenya, or elsewhere– can start to view themselves more positively in the future. For me, identifying myself as beautiful takes finding one thing that I love about myself every single day and reminding myself of that. Who knows how long it is going to take me, but I know that I am going to get there someday and I know that everyone has the possibility to get there someday.
By Rachel Snead
Intern, Summer 2015
